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[itsjustabaddream]

INBOX OF NEIL WEST

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GAME NAV ✦ THE OCULARUM

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[itsjustabaddream]

"Mmm." Neil hums his acknowledgement while writing, then speaks once he's finished taking his notes. "And the last world you were stuck in, that was the ship, yes? I cannot imagine that helped the situation at all."

He sets aside his notepad, going for a coffee cup instead. "You've spent so much of your life shouldering responsibility that was too large for you. Not because you are too weak to carry the weight--- on the contrary, you are a person of impressive strength. It was too large because it would be unfair to ask any one person to bear all of that. And now you feel responsible for things just as a matter of course, even when no one is asking you to. You're struggling to let things not be your fault."

[littlefairytale]

"...yeah. Yeah, that's—" she takes a breath, running her fingers along the smooth material of her skirt—a common self-soothing gesture from her. "—I mean I don't feel very strong, but that's— about right, I-I guess. I... grew up, wanting to be the hero from the fairytales my mom used to read me. I thought—" a pause, a frustrated huff of air from her nose, restart: "I just wanted to do the right thing, but the further things went the more it felt like there was no right thing. Like— like everything I did just made things worse. Like being me would keep making things worse."

Saying that last sentence seems to both lift something from her and drag her down again all at once.

[itsjustabaddream]

"Sometimes there isn't a right thing," Neil replies softly. "Sometimes situations are very nuanced, and there simply isn't a single correct answer. Every decision will have benefits and consequences. You just have to do your best to decide which version of events does the most good... or the least harm. But again, that's a lot to ask of one person, and it seems as though you were put in many, many situations where you were the one making these decisions alone. That would be a difficult ask for any one person, especially if these situations were emergencies which required snap decisions to be made."

He considers his next words for a moment, drumming a finger on the side of his mug. "Tell me--- if you were not the one making these decisions, going through these great undertakings, and instead were a third party observer, what would you think of the person in your position? Would you have hatred for them? Blame? Or would you want to give them the benefit of the doubt?"

[littlefairytale]

That's enough to give her pause, for a moment. "...I'd want to believe they were doing the best they could. I think. No, I-I would. I tried to believe General Ironwood wanted to do the right thing, his idea of it was just... it was just even worse than mine turned out. Or it seemed that way."

Ironwood's idea being abandoning a whole half of the continent whilst ascending the floating city high into the lower atmosphere. Not a great plan, as plans go.

[itsjustabaddream]

"And of course, sometimes you understand that people make mistakes," Neil adds. "And sometimes those mistakes happen in positions of great power. Everyone has regrets. Everyone makes the wrong choices sometimes. Yours just happened in a different context. It makes those things much harder to swallow, but it doesn't make you any more of a failure than any other human being."

[littlefairytale]

There's quiet chewing on her bottom lip as she also chews on her thoughts, before, with the careful tone of trying to say the exact right words: "I think— I can believe that in theory. It's— It's just hard to turn it into reality."

[itsjustabaddream]

"That, I think, has a lot to do with how you talk to yourself. How you talk about yourself. I'm sure you've heard such things before, but it really does make a difference."

[littlefairytale]

Her head tilts just ever so slightly. It's not entirely unfamiliar a point being made, but it's not one there's been as much focus on in all attempts to help her. "Like— how I talk to myself in my head, or— and how I talk about, um, me, to people?"

[itsjustabaddream]

"Both, Ruby," Neil half-scolds, but his tone is fond. "All of it. You need to speak to and about yourself with forgiveness and understanding. Give yourself a bit of grace. The first person who needs to give you permission to be imperfect is yourself."

[littlefairytale]

A bit more relaxed, Ruby groans with the dramaticness of the young woman she still is despite it all. "It sounds so much easier when you say it than when I try it..."

She breathes. "I know— I know I was. Am. A good Huntress. I was on my way to being a known name in the tournament scene, once. And I have helped people."

The urge for her to 'but' these statements is visibly being restrained.

[itsjustabaddream]

"But you had some struggles. Which are normal. And that's okay," Neil fills in for her. If she needs to add a 'but', then let it be one that is fair to herself. "They didn't stop you from being a good Huntress overall."

[littlefairytale]

There's still a visible feeling of wanting to push back, but she resists it. Breathes slowly out her nose and nods. "...yeah. You're— right."

It shouldn't be so hard to say, but at least she says it.

"And I still want to help people. Even if... picking up a weapon is difficult sometimes." Her sword never leaves her side, but that's not quite the same as wielding it and she wonders if she'd ever be able to pick up Crescent Rose again like this.

[itsjustabaddream]

"There are ways to help with and without a weapon," Neil assures her. "All in your own time. But I do think working towards reconnecting with that part of yourself would make you the happiest long term."

[littlefairytale]

"Yeah. I want to. I know— I know it sounds weird to a lot of people, but my weapons have been a part of me since I was a little girl. It's— strange, feeling so disconnected."

She understands why so many people find it alarming, now, but her world is what it is and she has always been the kid who sees your weapons as a reflection of your soul.

[itsjustabaddream]

"No, I think I can understand why. From what you've told me, the culture around weapons where you're from is highly personalized. A weapon is an extension of the self, a reflection of one's character, one's manner of fighting," Neil agrees easily. And he's being genuine--- it truly does make perfect sense. "And if combat is such a massive part of your life, then it stands to reason that your tool for participating, which is highly specialized to you and your needs, should have immense sentimental value."

"So, you have two choices. Either learn to fully let go of that connection, or reapproach that relationship and restore it. It's up to you what is best for you, but if I were to make an educated guess, it would be the latter."

[littlefairytale]

"Yeah. Yeah, that's... that's exactly it. I guess... I guess I have time to work on it, it's not like I have Crescent Rose or Summer's Thorn here and even a simplified recreation would be a huge undertaking."

She's adjusting to the new tools, materials and methods of weaponsmithing but her weapons tend towards the complicated end even by her world's standards.

[itsjustabaddream]

"I imagine so, from what you've told me about them. I do hope I get to see one of your weapons someday, I imagine they're quite beautiful." Neil seems genuine in his enthusiasm. It's no secret that he and Ruby appear to have similar aesthetic taste, right down to a mutual favorite color. "I do think part of it will come from separating the idea of weapons as an extension of the self from the idea that combat is who you are. Those things don't have to be mutually exclusive. You are a Huntress, but also more than that. You are a friend, a blacksmith, a student, a human being. All of those things are just as valuable."

[littlefairytale]

Ruby pulls one of those subtle faces that says this is one of those ideas she has trouble with. She's put so much weight on that one part of her identity over the last few years, maybe even her entire life, that it's hard to imagine everything else outside of it.

"That's— going to be a difficult one, heh. But it sounds about right."